god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
