I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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