Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
