wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
