I'm lost and stupid without you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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