I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
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We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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