Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
