Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
