Don't make out with my wife yet
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
