I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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