My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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