So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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