Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
