I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
