WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
