dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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