Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
