The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
