Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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