the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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