you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
