Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
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Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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