im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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