GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
