Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
