You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
