Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
