i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
