Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
