Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
