you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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