life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
