Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
