Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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