Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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