Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
