my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
