Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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