did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
