he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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