dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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