I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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