I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We have so much sex to catch up on
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
