I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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