Your face is a jimmy john
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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