All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
