i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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