According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
