guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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