bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
