Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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