I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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