I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
