i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
