my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
