You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize