I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He kissed a someone with a penis
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You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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