my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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