Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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