how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
