You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
