made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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