Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
